me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
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Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been