I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
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Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
December birthdays be like…
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Don’t we all.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
No one :
Me when I swimming :