Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
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If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…