When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
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When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney