*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
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A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.