*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
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I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me