uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”
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I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.