I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
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Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.