What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
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Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
my dog when i have a friend over
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?