Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
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Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis