The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
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Every BBC series about the universe.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
what’s really going on
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.