Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
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The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
We’re all getting idioter.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.