[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
You Might Also Like
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
So that’s what we looked like?
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream