“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
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I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
*Seductively hides in the woods
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!