How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
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My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
when you don’t want to be too vague