The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
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There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job