I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
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millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Single and childfree like Jesus
Just why bro?!
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here