Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
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[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god