Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
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Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
getting corrected
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.