*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
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3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.