Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
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life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
Art by Pastelkatto
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Attacked by a mop.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please