For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
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I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.