The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
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omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge