I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
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(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*