The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
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The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.