Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
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ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
PLEASE READ
incredible text to wake up to
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car