I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
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Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”