The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
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You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
this chia pet tastes awful
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH