i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
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I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.