Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
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[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
need a new bf mines broken 😐