It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
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He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.