When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
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If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
Gods work.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.