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[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.