girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
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All is fair in drunk and war.
Hero horse inspires millions
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ