If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
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My daughter just told me she doesn鈥檛 like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
cry laughing at this shit
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You鈥檙e tired. Why don鈥檛 we try making the birds tomorrow.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
I haven鈥檛 had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 馃槅
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
i actually laughed 馃槱
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda