If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
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Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?