Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
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WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home