Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
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I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand