Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
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Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Thank you corporation very cool
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.