I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
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Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.