“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
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ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
the rocks need my help
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
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