Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
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All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast