I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
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No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.