My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
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The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
worst…sale…ever
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.