Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
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When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.