My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
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#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.