“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
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ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Children of the corn 🌽
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
lost dog
mechanics be like
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet