My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
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Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer