God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
You Might Also Like
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..