*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
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I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.